I keep asking myself if this is really what I want.
Do I want a life spent picking up a man’s dirty socks and getting swatted on the ass in the kitchen for no reason other than because he wants to? Do I want to learn, past the point of thinking about it, how to automatically defer to him, submit to him, put him in the forefront of my thoughts where now only my children reside? Do I want to do this with any man and most particularly do I want to do this with Tucker?
When I am tired and grumpy and have a list of chores to be done and I choose to ignore them all and just go to bed I imagine ten years in the future. What if Tucker wants me to lay out his clothes and prepare his lunch before I drag my grumpy ass to bed? What if he wants to fuck when I finally do crawl into bed and I just want to sleep? What if he expects me to get up with him at that ungodly early hour he rises before the sun even thinks of getting up and I hate anything except full sunlit mornings? Do I really want to be in a position where I cannot justifiably say “Screw you, I’m tired” without getting some serious backlash?
Right now it is exciting and erotic when Tucker makes me do something I would rather not do. When he makes me get out of a nice warm bed to get him a glass of water I get a little wet because he has that power and is wielding it over me. Right now when he fucks me even though I am feeling pissy and angry at him I come really, really hard because he is forcing to do what he wants to do, literally. But five years, hell fifteen years, in the future am I going to think it’s anywhere near this erotic to be tossed and dragged and poked and prodded? Will the “fun” of being in service melt away after a while, after the honeymoon ends and I get sick of being told what to do?
I told Tucker the other day that I have been waiting eighteen years for the type of relationship I have now with him. Perhaps it is my naivete that keeps me believing that what we have won’t grow old, that having wanted this for so long means that it will be a key component in my satisfaction for a very long time. Maybe I should just keep believing it and it will just keep being true simply from dint of will. We each create our own reality and if my choice is to create a reality where I am happy serving Tucker in everything from his dirty socks to sucking his cock even when I’m tired and grumpy then that just may be enough.