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Giddy
By Gray Lily | November 25, 2009
Tucker may not be the distraction I’d thought him to be.
He may be a lot more, if only I can find the sanity to relax, trust him, and let things happen the way they are supposed to. We have been talking, mostly online because my voice has quite literally deserted me these last several days, and I am finding out more than I thought there was to know.
Because I asked, Tucker told me that does not want to be my occasional amusement. He doesn’t want to just fuck and have fun. In fact, his desires are diametrically opposed to what I’d initially envisioned. Goes to show how much I run the world.
Tucker is old-fashioned, into monogamy and commitment, skillfully Dominant, spine-tinglingly sadistic, and as appreciative of mutual independence as he is of love. He isn’t looking for a fling or someone to call when the pickings get slim. He has in mind a much more serious and long-term involvement. With me.
I have not yet been able to accept all of this. I told him, from the very beginning when he let me know that he was looking for a real relationship, that I am too terrified to even consider committing myself to anyone at this point. I will not do anything more serious than spend carefully allotted time with him and see what happens. I need time and space to go through the process of learning to trust him and allowing myself to be vulnerable to him. Michael was the worst case scenario and shades of his deception are still coloring my willingness to let Tucker into my life.
Tucker has assured me that he understands this. He has accepted my need to not dive into anything, no matter how intense his own desires may be. I told him today that Jennifer and my sister think I am just about crazy for not jumping at this opportunity with him.
His reply?
“Tell them that at this point I won’t let you.”
He has felt my resistance and integrated it into his plan of action, understanding that he could very well drive me away by trying to absorb too much of my attention and my time. We have scheduled three carefully crafted dates over the next week and a half that blend my need for predictability, time to process, and room to myself, and his desire for intimacy, affection, and being completely wrapped up in each other. As much as a part of me would love to give in and get giddy with the fun of new passion and interest, I know that doing so would quickly tear me to pieces.
I need to do this very deliberately step by step, so I can know without a single doubt that I am not ignoring even the tiniest of red flags. Once I get past my silly mental dilemma of his age, everything seems completely above-board and honorable about this guy. But knowing that he is just about right for me makes it exponentially harder to want to spend time with him, in the perverse way that my mind works at this point. Michael made me believe he was perfect and it all turned out to be lies. I can’t let that happen again.
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November 26th, 2009 at 3:28 am
Gray Lily, a very sensible stance, it very promising that Tucker understands and supports you in this.
You need to be very sure before you give your heart again.
Love and warm hugs,
Paul.
November 26th, 2009 at 8:52 am
Gray: this sounds wonderful and if you don’t mind me saying this - after reading over the last few posts, this situation reminds me a lot of the beginning of my relationship with Krishna. Of course that was all vanilla back then. But, I remember he was the first one that I didn’t sleep with immediately. He told me right away how much he cared for me and wanted me AND gave me the space to feel it all out and wait for red flags that never appeared. Perhaps this is one of the very positive things that comes out of that disaster with Michael. Now you are giving yourself the chance to do it right, or rather in a way that builds a lifelong, lasting relationship. This all sounds really enjoyable and I am happy to read that you are having some fun!
love,
radha
November 26th, 2009 at 9:02 am
smiling here… cautiously, but smiling wiiiiide
hugs and good luck and fingers crossed xx
November 26th, 2009 at 6:04 pm
“Live to the point of tears.” -Camus
November 26th, 2009 at 9:14 pm
i think seeing each other 3 times over a week and a half is still a lot, by grown-up dating standards. in college, sure, you spent every minute together. but when just starting to see someone new i never saw them more than once a week. and my current long-term boyfriend and i rarely see each other more than twice weekly because we’re both very busy. 3 times in ten days doesn’t sound that cautious to me.