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Deserving
By Gray Lily | November 14, 2009
Six hours after I finally hit send Ryan wrote back. I hadn’t expected a response that quickly so I took it as a sign that he understood the gravity of my quandary. In contrast, I did expect what he had to say, as little and as much as I wanted to read it.
Ryan has expressed several times his overwhelming desire to not hurt me by continuing to be in my life. He has said from the beginning that he would make the tough decision to end our relationship (I use that term rather loosely: we spend time together, therefore we have a relationship) if he sensed or I told him that it was too difficult for me. He has insisted from our first conversation about my discomfort with him being married that he has the will power to walk away if I need it and cannot do it myself.
He held true to his word in this email. He also reiterated an emerging thread in his thoughts: I deserve better than him. Unlike Michael, Ryan seems to have my best interest in mind and has never once tried to convince me that he could possibly be enough for me or led me on with false hope. He isn’t going to leave his wife in the foreseeable future and he isn’t going to lie to me about it. If a truly casual involvement with him - just spanking, sex, and role-play - was not possible without involving my heart and soul, he knew that the only right choice would be to end our relationship.
It had finally, inevitably come to that. His fear of hurting me and his belief in my absolute right to find true happiness with someone other than him had him offering to remove himself from my life.
“You are really a very special person who deserves better than what I’m doing to you. If it means that it will be easier for you if we put the brakes on our interactions together, I will do that. I don’t want to see you hurt more than what you may already be feeling now.”
I cried a few tears, despite his admonition that I shouldn’t, as I lay in bed late last night reading his email on my phone.
Fear, sadness, anger, self-pity, frustration…I’m not sure what I felt or why I was upset. It was a combination of knowing he was right, fear of being “alone” again, frustration that I’d let it get to this point, sadness that someone I’d started to like was no longer going to be a part of my life.
I sighed deeply, brushed away the tears, logged off, and rolled over to try to find sleep. Things always look better in the morning and I was in no mood to figure out how I felt about this latest chapter in my life. He’d left the final choice to me (it seems we are both reluctant to make that final hard decision and assume the risk involved) but I needed to sleep.
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November 14th, 2009 at 2:24 pm
(((HUGS))) just (((HUGS))) you know you always have ‘em from me, no matter what path you end up following xx
November 14th, 2009 at 4:19 pm
Interesting title for this entry, “Deserving”. Can be interpreted in practically opposite ways…
/me points back to the hugs offered in an earlier response for this eventuality.
November 14th, 2009 at 7:16 pm
I’m glad I misjudged Ryan but I’m very sorry that you’re hurting. I hope you feel better.
November 14th, 2009 at 7:22 pm
Sweetheart there are so many men who are unattached. You really need to find one of them…
November 14th, 2009 at 8:36 pm
amen to an unattached man..
November 15th, 2009 at 8:56 am
And what if he wasn’t able to be the stronger one as you hoped and be able to walk away?
You say you are unable of doing it.
You set yourself up as a victim by giving up your power and relying on someone else to do what is best for you.
Obviously not everyone is going to have your best interests and that’s why *you* yes *YOU* lily MUST.
Empower yourself. Pick available men.
I can say this to you because I’ve been there and it’s something I work on all the time. The lure of an unavailable man fits my psyche all too well.
No strings no mess no drama.
Yea, right.
I want a solid loving committed relationship deep down but pick unavailable men because I want to avoid the realness and at times the inevitable pain of a breakup.
It sucks but at some point you have to stop the insanity and jump off the emotional train wreck that you can predict is coming.
So - with me - I am still attracted to unavailable men but refuse to go there. I won’t find an available man because I want to avoid the pain of it all.
I’m glad I stumbled upon your blog. It further reinforces me to not get back on the unavailable man pattern I’m so good at.
Reading your blog makes me hurt for you because I know the crap you go thru and I know how it feels.
I hope hope hope I read one day how you found a great guy. I’m rooting for you !!
November 15th, 2009 at 6:43 pm
I completely agree - the insanity of being involved with a man that is unable to commit to you exclusively (be it married or otherwise) is never-ending. The break is hard and can feel incredibly lonely, but it is for the best. Remember this posting you’ve done in moments of doubt. You’ll waiver, you’ll vacillate. Get through it - one day you’ll look back and pat yourself on the back for realizing you took a courageous step for yourself that day you sent that email..