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Swearing
By Gray Lily | November 12, 2009
Ryan and I were cuddling on my bed, me almost completely naked, he completely clothed, talking and sharing stories.
Michael randomly came up in the conversation and I caught myself just as I started to curse. I’ve developed the almost involuntary habit of appending “Fucker” to every bit of conversation in which Michael is mentioned and just recently caught myself at it. I am not particularly proud of the way my vocabulary has deteriorated over the last two months and I’m even more annoyed that Michael was the impetus for this descent.
“We’re going to have to do something about you swearing like that,” Ryan said conversationally. He’d heard me catch myself several times before, and the many times I’d not.
“I know. I don’t realize I’m doing it a lot of the time,” I admitted.
“How often do you curse, during a typical day?” he asked.
“Depends on where I am and who I’m with. I never swear at work or around the girls. If I’m talking to Jennifer or my sister or one of my friends and I’m going off about something I can swear ten times in one conversation,” I said.
“Wow.”
“It’s kind of getting bad… I hurt myself at work last week and almost said the eff word in front of fifteen kids and two co-teachers. I don’t need to be doing that,” I said.
“It’s something you want to change in your daily life?” he asked logically.
“Yes, I think it’s getting out of control. I didn’t used to be like this. It’s just since all this nonsense with Michael.”
“So I’m going to make a rule about you swearing,” he said. I thought he meant at some point in the future, after he gave it some thought and figured out how to go about it. I didn’t say anything in response, trying to figure out how I would feel about such an event. He was quiet for a minute then he started thinking out loud.
“I think you should get one freebie… you can swear once in a conversation with me. After that you’re going to be in trouble. I’m thinking you will definitely be over my knee, maybe I’ll have to find something stingy to paddle you with. I’m going to leave it up to you what counts as a swear - it might be a pretty broad definition considering how much you’re around kids,” he said.
I was a little startled that he’d actually come up with something so clear so quickly.
“This is where I start asking all sorts of technical questions, just so I know exactly what I’m getting into,” I said, trying to stall for time.
“I expected that. I want your input to make sure this is going to work. I will listen to everything you have to say but I’m going to be the one to make the final decision,” he said. The hesitation in his voice was minimal, attributable with certain mercy to the newness of him flexing his Dominant muscle with me in this way. There was a real chance I could deny him this privilege or squirm my way out of complying. He has suggested such acutely invasive measures before but I have softly rebuffed them, uncertain of my desire or ability to be accountable to him for a variety of reasons.
This constraint seemed benign enough, involving only the times we are actually conversing, and I was fairly sure we were both curious to see how my submission to him would work. A certain amount of testing and pushing is sure to ensue - I admitted this upfront and he accepted it as par for the course - but this carefully controlled issue may be the perfect proving ground for working out how far afield I can wander and how strongly he will respond.
“Yes, Sir. I think that will work,” I finally said. I was willing to try it out, sit with it for a while, see if such a thing were possible without my heart and mind getting caught up in the game just as surely as my words would.
November 12th, 2009 at 7:28 am
i don’t quite understand how your heart and mind could by any stretch *not* get caught up in a game wherein you’re making yourself so vulnerable, and not in a sexual-only way. for me to allow the ceding of authority to my boyfriend of one year was something i gave more thought to than you seem to have given to this ceding of authority to a man who you already know can’t make you the priority.
it’s my personal opinion that submission makes you emotionally vulnerable. maybe if you’re just playing and you’re doing all physical, sexual things it doesn’t as much (though i think your descriptions in the last few posts prove otherwise), but when you’re taking on responsibility in day-to-day interactions? honestly, limiting it just to times when you’re talking doesn’t seem like much of a limit to me… you’ve still turned yourself over.
when you make yourself so vulnerable to someone whom you know can’t handle it (i.e. can’t make you an authority), you’re just asking to be hurt in my opinion.
November 13th, 2009 at 8:13 am
I am afraid that I see an oncoming train wreak. Please be smarter with your heart.
November 13th, 2009 at 12:53 pm
Is Ryan’s wife submissive? I always wonder about married Dominants who marry vanilla and then go out and try to get something going on the side.
The married dominant I was invloved with said she did not understand him, etc. She had a lot of power in the relationship and he was not up to the task of taking it away from her; it was just too much work and he didn’t want the power struggle. I think I was such an easy target because I was so desperate to be loved, wanted and dominated. I was not a huge challenge so it was easy for him to get what he wanted from me.
We still talk and agree that if we had a long term monagamous relationship the dynamic would have to change, because we would no longer be “playing” at being a Dom/sub couple when it was convenient for us both. I can still idealize what we shared because it fulfilled such deep fantasies for me without dealing with the ugliness of reality.
I really feel for you, you will not be able to stop yourself from plunging into this relationship. What you need deep inside is just too powerful. I just want you to know I get it, even while I’m hoping you don’t make choices that will ultimately hurt you.
November 14th, 2009 at 2:18 pm
i have to admit I’m confused, I thought you were staying well away from being involved with Ryan. I’ve really been enjoying the sexy posts, as they are sexy and well written, but…
Well, I understand you are very aware of yourself, your reactions and desicions, as you have been documenting, but honestly, this does seem like you’re playing with fire.
no disrespect or anything meant xx