Sacrifice
By Gray Lily | June 3, 2009
Michael’s assignment this past weekend was to write an essay about strength through sacrifice. This is it. I do not pull any punches when asked to write, no matter who the intended audience. If Michael wants to get to know me through my writing, he will very well get exactly what he asked for.
I bow my head, bend my knees, cling to your strength. I am yours. In that place that I cannot touch, that I cannot willfully alter, I am yours. I fight it, cherish it, analyze it, adore it, and glorify in it. Above and beyond anything else, underneath and behind everything else, I am yours.
Being yours means living as yours. It means living with what is and what you are able to provide. It means having your love and your devotion as much as it means living without you and your attention. It means missing out as much as it means taking in and thriving.
The parts where I don’t get what I want, where I have to sacrifice my sense of control and my desire for attention and immediate satisfaction? That part sucks. That part flips some switch in me that leaves me feeling anxious, teary, and angry. That is the part that feels like the tearing down, the ripping apart of expectations, the denial of animally-instinctive control. Like sacrifice.
I don’t like the idea of strength through sacrifice. I don’t like denial of some want, the building up of calluses and the hardening of the heart that comes with that denial and forms the basis for future strength. I don’t like having to do without in order that future periods of drought seem less disastrous. I don’t want to have to face adversity so that I will come out stronger in the end.
That being said, I understand the concept and have had many situations where it has served me well. Incremental strength is built through incremental sacrifice, to the point where that which once would have slain me is nothing more than a minor trial. Much like building up muscle through the forceful breaking down and rebuilding of tissue, surviving and overcoming difficulties leads to greater fortitude and ability. I understand the usefulness of this approach and appreciate its benefits, but the imagined real life application of this idea leaves me feeling sad and frustrated.
If the goal is true happiness, why then must sacrifice be made part of the journey? If it is truly unavoidable, necessary for the continuation of a situation or relationship, then perhaps it can be endured. The sacrifice I am making to be in a lifelong relationship with you seems to be the time you spend with Susan. But is this the best way for us to achieve happiness in the long run? Do we not run the risk of me building walls around my heart to protect myself from the disappointments sustained in the course of making this type of sacrifice? Do we not run the risk of those walls, those calluses, becoming so thick as to foil future attempts at happiness when they are no longer needed? What if there is a point where the strength gained through sacrifice negates the need for that which was once sought?
Topics: Michael, Susan, assignment, psychology |
June 3rd, 2009 at 12:49 pm
Do we not run the risk of me building walls around my heart to protect myself from the disappointments sustained in the course of making this type of sacrifice? Do we not run the risk of those walls, those calluses, becoming so thick as to foil future attempts at happiness when they are no longer needed?
of course you do
absolutely
I’m not sure I can read much more, even from here it’s just too painful to “watch”….
June 3rd, 2009 at 12:58 pm
what i find most interesting about this essay is the second to last paragraph, because your voice/tone is SO incredibly different in that paragraph than in the rest of the piece. it’s almost as if you got up and walked away, then came back hours later and wrote that paragraph.
i understand what you’re going through, to a degree. my luke kept me at arm’s length for over six months, and i gave him a similar talk– telling him, i understand that you need time, i understand that you don’t know how much… but i need YOU to understand that i won’t wait forever, and in the meanwhile i may pull away as a means of protecting myself.
although the powers that kept him from committing to me for so long are still in the air between us at times, he ended up being worth the wait (as it seems right now). a few months after our talk, he came around.
and now, although we’ve been together for almost 9 months, we’re only just learning what it feels like to really make space for each other. it’s actually been rocky at times, because i spent months protecting myself, hiding my needs because i believed he wasn’t present enough to be permitted to see them. it was a big deal for both of us when my needs were added into the mix, necessitating a kind of reorganization of our feelings for each other. and for him to step up to the plate a bit more, start taking more responsibility for the relationship instead of leaving me to shoulder the whole burden. we’re still working on all of that, though things feel good now.
though now i think he may be the love of my life, i know i wouldn’t have waited forever. what would have been the value of my love, my life, my self, if it was given for something in which he didn’t put equal investment, not just of feelings but also of time and sacrifice?
June 3rd, 2009 at 1:08 pm
IS the goal true happiness? I’m not sure it is, for me. I think of trying to be whom I’m meant to be, catching the happiness I can along the way. It’s such a personal question I think everyone would have different answers, but this just made me think about my answer.
June 3rd, 2009 at 1:15 pm
‘I understand the usefulness of this approach and appreciate its benefits, but the imagined real life application of this idea leaves me feeling sad and frustrated.’
oh so so true!
and as ever, persephone’s comment couldn’t have put it better!
June 3rd, 2009 at 5:20 pm
Michael often reminds of Mr Stern, though his humiliation of you is more subtle. I get the sense that on some level, your masochistic nature is deeply aroused by his treatment of you. It’s addictive, isn’t it?
June 4th, 2009 at 6:41 pm
The title immediately had me humming Elton John’s “Sacrifice” while reading this piece. I found myself comparing your thoughts and the song’s lyrics. “Sensitivity builds a prison” resonated home with me.
June 4th, 2009 at 7:56 pm
oh gray,
it seems that you are making your decisions based on an expectation that at some point it will “pay off” because you will have “happiness in the long run” with michael.
i would be reassured if NOW were what you were looking forward to, because guess what? NOW is what you have.
the creation of this mythical state, this collaborative confabulation that you and michael are doing is too painful for me to watch. i’m going to check out for a few months and hope that you start advocating for yourself.
good luck, gray. you deserve what you ask for.
xo
trix
August 10th, 2009 at 9:09 pm
You do deserve what you ask for and this is beautifully expressed. I am wondering if you received any feedback from Michael?