Pudding
By Gray Lily | June 2, 2009
Michael once said to me, in terms of our relationship, that the proof of the pudding is not in the eating, but in the offering of the dish.
It took me a long time to figure out what he meant, and even longer to accept that this is genuinely how he feels and the paradigm under which he conducts his life.
The most important thing to Michael, the most real part of our relationship, the thing that matters more than what he says or does or what ends up happening, is how he feels. The fact that he thinks about me when he is away, that his soul misses mine, is exponentially more real to him than the manner of contact we may have over that same period of time. Loving and wanting me mean more to him than any way in which he could possibly show those same emotions.
This has been very difficult for me to understand and accept. I believe in actions and events. I believe in the eating as the proof. I believe the things that are done hold an enormous weight when compare with the things that are felt or thought. I believe that telling someone you love them pales in comparison with showing them – demonstrating that love through visible actions and tangible objects. Perhaps because I am innately distrusting and sorely prone to doubting others’ words, having someone prove their affection to me does what very few words can ever do.
I don’t know why or how I became so distrusting. I don’t know who molded me in that way or who showed me that words mean so much less than actions. I also don’t know why Michael lives and thinks so much differently, except for the vagaries of his life experience. He has lived so much more, and fifteen years longer, than I have and had so many more reasons to trust in the power of words.
Trying to remember that what he says is the core proof of what he feels is sometimes trying. When he is gone, or busy, or with Susan, I have to constantly remind myself of the conversations we’ve had in bed, the moments I have shared on his lap, the quietly whispered words with which he shares his truest feelings. No matter what he does, or how long we go without talking, or where his work may take him, I am forever in his heart, the one he has chosen as the other half of his whole.
Topics: Michael, emotion, psychology |
June 2nd, 2009 at 4:23 pm
It’s this difference in viewpoint that causes a tremendous amount of difficulty in moving forward. And my answer to the the same realization, when I finally had it, was that it is not proof of his feelings that is required. The reality of his feelings was not in question at all. But simply understanding and accepting that (which was extremely difficult, as you know) didn’t allow me a primary relationship with him–just the feelings.
If knowing how he feels is all you really need to be happy with him, then you are really blessed–because you’ve found someone who adores you and whom you adore. That is rare, and it should be cherished. I hope that if you need a primary relationship, you will get that, too.
Thank you for sharing to this extent, Gray.
Seeker
June 2nd, 2009 at 6:52 pm
it’s all fine and good if this paradigm is the way that michael chooses to see the world, but the way that *you* see the world needs to have space in the relationship too, doesn’t it?
maybe the proof of the pudding for *him* is in the offering, but you seem to be a girl who wants to eat. there’s nothing wrong with his paradigm, but there is nothing wrong with your paradigm either.
in a healthy partnership, i think there needs to be room for both peoples’ needs. of course sometimes we need or choose to make sacrifices, and hopefully our partner does so an equal amount of the time. but at the very least both peoples’ needs should be heard and accepted.
just because the proof is in the offering for *him* doesn’t mean that that’s the only truth in the relationship. i hope that your needs are being accepted and given validation too.
June 2nd, 2009 at 7:27 pm
Gray, I agree with Persephone completely. Your needs must be met as well. And, like it or not, your partner’s actions must match the words, otherwise, your mind and heart will not meet in the middle.
As for where this concern of yours came from, it’s really quite natural for anyone to want one’s actions to match their words. If we were ever told as children, while watching our mother cry, “Everything is fine. Nothing is wrong,” we learned not to trust our instincts which were screaming out, “SOMETHING IS WRONG,” because we can see Mommy crying.
It’s your instinct reaction he’s asking you to ignore, and that’s nearly impossible. Don’t feel guilty because your instinct is there for a reason. Our instinct is very important to protect us from normal everyday potential harms like people who get in our personal space, or gut reactions to dogs that bark, or even our intuition that another person is lying. Just because Michael may not lie to you, doesn’t mean others won’t.
This ability to trust words is great if it works for Michael. Good for him. But, if it doesn’t work for you, don’t back down.
Don’t be willing to turn yourself inside out if it doesn’t work for you. That’s the ultimate definition of codependent - ignoring your needs to satisfy the needs of another.
Perhaps I’m being overly concerned here. All I can tell you is that when S, the man I once believed to be the Master I would serve for the rest of my life, told me that I could always rely on his words, and not to question his actions, is when the real trouble began.
Every time I questioned him, he would accuse me of not being submissive enough. And, then I would be accused of trying to catch him in a lie, if what he said didn’t match what he did. My questions about his truthfulness suddenly became all my fault. I was told that I forced him into lies because I didn’t trust him. I was told that I was a vindictive bitch because all I was doing was looking to find times that he lied, and refused to recognize times he told the truth.
This behavior, and being forced to look only at his words, and to ignore his actions drove me crazy, and forced me back into hardcore recovery work on my relationship addiction and my codependence.
And, I wouldn’t wish codependency on my worst enemy, much less a great blog friend.
hugs,
cutesy pah
June 3rd, 2009 at 4:04 am
“the one he has chosen as the other half of his whole”
I am confused.
but that’s probably because I deem that behaviors have a lot more impact than words, and they are very difficult to change - so are more truthful prone than words - and my system does not do well when words and actions don’t align.
I see Michael as very consistent, but not very truthful - at least through the small bit of info you share here.
I’m also sure he’s very convincing when he’s with you, but would he not also be the same when he’s with Susan?
be well,
P.
June 3rd, 2009 at 6:38 am
I think the impulse to judge people by their deeds, as opposed to feelings, is a pretty strong one. As the behaviorists pointed out, we don’t have access to someone’s internal psychological state–all we have are behaviors. My partner reminds me of this, and of BF Skinner’s black box, every time I try to describe what emotions lay behind one of my frustrated bouts of anger. In the moment that I’m angry, it doesn’t much matter if I love him; it matters that I’m acting badly.
I also think persephone’s comment was very thoughtful. Whatever is the “right” way of seeing the world–and I expect everyone sees it both ways, a bit–the most important thing is that he gets you and you get him. From what you’ve said here, Michael gets you. I know it can be good to have a place to write out the realizations and new understandings you have about him.
June 3rd, 2009 at 1:10 pm
Persephone couldn’t have put it better.
(((hugs)))
June 9th, 2009 at 6:45 pm
[...] Master and i have been having some deep discussions lately, spurred by a couple of posts from Gray Lily. A lot of what she writes is rather achingly familiar for [...]
August 10th, 2009 at 9:14 pm
Actions are the testimony of our lives….who we are and what we stand for. Words without action are nothing more than hot air….