Ball
By Gray Lily | May 22, 2009
Sometimes I just need to be quiet.
It’s not very often, and often not for the right reasons, but sometimes I just can’t put my words out there. Part of my silence this week is due to a nagging cough that robbed me of sleep and left me with an aching chest for several days. Part of it is because of my latest go-round with Chris and the emotional drought that always takes place after any interaction with him. Part of it is because this is the week that finds me weak, tired, teary, and doubtful.
Michael is, as ever, my rock and my foundation.
“Tell me what it is, pet. What’s bothering you?”
I curled up into a ball, my face pressed to his chest. I might have shaken my head, denying him my words.
“Where else are you safer than here? Tell me what’s wrong. I’ve got you, baby,” he whispered, pulling me tighter.
I sobbed quietly, fully encompassed by his strength and love, and let go. This letting go has circled around and through and between us for months. Letting go is becoming part of who I am.
“I don’t want to spend the weekend without you. I want to be here with you. I don’t like it when Susan gets to spend so much time with you and I don’t. I want you to spend the holiday with me and my girls.” I cried quietly as he rubbed my back. “I don’t want to go home.”
Safe and warm in his bed and his arms, I can tell Michael everything. I can face the tiny demons of doubt and vulnerability and ask him questions that pester my mind and my heart. I can talk to him about things I fear, things I remember, things I want to know, and things I can barely acknowledge to my own self. I can rest there, safe in the knowing that he loves me, and speak my mind.
The rest of the time, with the rest of the world, sometimes I just need to be quiet.
Topics: Michael, crying, emotion, love, surrender |
May 23rd, 2009 at 2:07 am
Beautiful words, and it must be such a wonderful feeling knowing you’re safe and can be the real you. With all it’s colours. I always was a bit of a scared submissive until T. found me and sometimes i still can’t believe that He loves me all the way, even if i doubt a little sometimes. I also can speak my mind and that’s such a freedom. It still amazes me. Tied to Him, bounded, submitting and free to be my self.
What a lucky girls we are!