I was outed to my boss and corporate HR by an anonymous letter referencing this site and my Fetlife profile.
The email alleged that I placed children at risk by virtue of my lifestyle preference.
It also threatened to out me to my ex and the families I serve at work.
The future of this project will be decided after the situation at work has been resolved.
Emails to graylily1@yahoo.com will reach me, although I will probably not respond for a while.
"Three things will last forever--faith, hope, and love--and the greatest of these is love."
I love you Tucker.
Be well everyone.
4/4/10
Unstoppable Sung by Rascal Flatts
So, so you made a lot of mistakes
Walked down the road a little sideways
Cracked a brick when you hit the wall
Yeah, you've had a pocket full of regrets
Pull you down faster than a sunset
Hey, it happens to us all
When the cold hard rain just won't quit
And you can't see your way out of it
You find your faith has been lost and shaken
You take back what's been taken
Get on your knees and dig down deep
You can do what you think is impossible
Keep on believing, don't give in
It'll come and make you whole again
It always will, it always does
Love is unstoppable
Love, it can weather any storm
Bring you back to being born again
Oh, it's a helping hand when you need it most
A lighthouse shinning on the coast
That never goes dim
When your heart is full of doubt
And you think that there's no way out
You find your faith has been lost and shaken
You take back what's been taken
Get on your knees and dig down deep
You can do what you think is impossible
Keep on believing, don't give in
It'll come and make you whole again
It always will, it always does
Love is unstoppable
Like a river keeps on rolling
Like the north wind blowing
Don't it feel good knowing
You find your faith has been lost and shaken
You take back what's been taken
Get on your knees and dig down deep
You can do what you think is impossible
Keep on believing, don't give in
It'll come and make you whole again
It always will, it always does
Love is unstoppable
Love is unstoppable
So you made a lot of mistakes
Walked down the road a little sideways
Love, love is unstoppable
3/15/10
I told my ex everything.
To sorely mix metaphors, the surest way to cut the enemy off at the knees is to outflank them. Today the person who is intent on destroying my work and family life has one less option available to them than they did yesterday. When I outed myself to my ex he took it exactly as I always knew he would - calmly, with little hint of surprise, and a warm confidence that I am still a remarkable mother well able to be trusted with our children. He has known me for longer than anyone except my family and has seen me overcome many hurdles higher than this, so this was no more than a minor bump in the road we are still traveling together.
He showed a marked lack of curiosity as to my particular kinks and asked no questions about my extracurricular activities. He wanted clear reassurances that I keep my private life separate from my daughters and once that was given he returned to his usual jovial mood and made a joke of the whole thing. He trusts me, he loves me, and he knows I am fully capable of making exceedingly difficult judgments with grace, compassion, and plenty of thoughtfulness. He also knows I would rather sacrifice my own limbs than harm my children in any way.
Having hidden this from him for the last five years I feel like a weight has been lifted. One more person has been enlightened as to the normalcy of people who call themselves kinky. One more part of my life has fitted itself neatly into its final and proper resting place. My ex is no longer a tool to be used against me in a campaign of hatred. I can breathe just one little smidgen easier. Between Tucker and my ex I have two solidly astute men who will stand by me through anything. Sometimes the most threatening clouds have the brightest silver linings.
3/14/10
It seems that I am unable to stop writing. Even in this restricted little space with no fancy formatting, my words need to be exposed. Even (or perhaps especially?) because there have been so many emotions over the last few days, I need to write.
Spring cleaning, in the form of container gardening, was an unexpected joy today. I had planned to transplant only a few house plants - the ones that live on my kitchen windowsill and keep the place looking tranquil and green - but I ended up acquiring four new plants and freshening up all of my outside containers as well. Throwing away the old dead pieces, poking around in the dirt for new green shoots, rearranging the boxes and pots and plants... it was all very satisfying and somehow a very literal reflection of my life over the last few days.
The weather here is on the verge of turning nice and in fact has teased us a few times with balmy, sunny days but today was gray and cold with the threat of rain always overhead. The girls and I did our round of errands and Sunday lunch out then came home to get our hands dirty. They each picked out a "garden kit" at Lowe's and followed the directions carefully to ensure their seeds have some kind of fighting chance to make it out of their little shells. They fought over the gardening gloves, each having outgrown the ones they were given last year and so having to make do with hand-me-downs and my "humongous" gloves, but in the end everything was given as strong a start as we could manage.
Imposing order on my surroundings comforts me when I cannot successfully straighten my inner world. Tucker's strength bouyed me and held me steady for twenty-four hours. As soon as I called him on Friday he was by my side, holding me close , making sure I ate, distracting me with kisses and his ever-present warmth. We talked for hours, picking up the conversation time and time again, rolling it around with our voices like a smooth pebble between our fingers. There is only one conclusion that can be reached, only one person hateful, mean, and spiteful enough to have done this, only one course of action from this point forward.
Compassion, love, and open-mindedness will always prevail over treachery and vindictiveness.
3/14/10
I Will Survive
First I was afraid
I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live
without you by my side
But I spent so many nights
thinking how you did me wrong
I grew strong
I learned how to carry on
and so you're back
from outer space
I just walked in to find you here
with that sad look upon your face
I should have changed my stupid lock
I should have made you leave your key
If I had known for just one second
you'd be back to bother me
Go on now go walk out the door
just turn around now
'cause you're not welcome anymore
weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye
you think I'd crumble
you think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
as long as i know how to love
I know I will stay alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
and I'll survive
I will survive
It took all the strength I had
not to fall apart
kept trying hard to mend
the pieces of my broken heart
and I spent oh so many nights
just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry
Now I hold my head up high
and you see me
somebody new
I'm not that chained up little person
still in love with you
and so you felt like dropping in
and just expect me to be free
now I'm saving all my loving
for someone who's loving me
Go on now go walk out the door
just turn around now
'cause you're not welcome anymore
weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye
you think I'd crumble
you think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
as long as i know how to love
I know I will stay alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
and I'll survive
I will survive