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  • The End

    This blog has been inactive since 2010. I stopped writing just about the time I went back to school for my second BA and have not picked it up since. Many things have changed but somehow my need to return here has not re-appeared yet. I keep this blog as an archive, perhaps a useful catalogue of experiences for those interested in the lifestyle.

    Everything published here is true, unless noted otherwise. Most names, some dates, and almost all locations were changed to protect my privacy and the privacy of those about whom I wrote.

    In case anyone is interested, Tucker ended our relationship rather suddenly about nine months after my final post. I am now living with and engaged to a man I refer to as Austin. I am in the middle of an MA/PhD program, my girls are teenagers, and kink has faded to an almost distant memory a great deal of the time.

    A part of me will always be Gray Lily and will live here for as long as is feasible. For now though, I’ve moved on.

    - Amy

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    Ex

    I told my ex everything.

    To sorely mix metaphors, the surest way to cut an enemy off at the knees is to outflank him. Today the person who is intent on destroying my work and family life has one less option available to them than they did yesterday. When I outed myself to my ex he took it exactly as I always knew he would – calmly, with little hint of surprise, and a warm confidence that I am still a remarkable mother well able to be trusted with our children. He has known me for longer than anyone except my family and has seen me overcome many hurdles higher than this so this was no more than a minor bump in the road we are still traveling together.

    He showed a marked lack of curiosity as to my particular kinks and asked no questions about my extracurricular activities. He wanted clear reassurance that I keep my private life separate from my daughters and once that was given he returned to his usual jovial mood and made a joke of the whole thing. He trusts me, he loves me, and he knows I am fully capable of making exceedingly difficult judgments with grace, compassion, and plenty of thoughtfulness.

    Having hidden this from him for the last five years I feel like a weight has been lifted. One more person has been enlightened as to the normalcy of people who call themselves kinky. One more part of my life has fitted itself neatly into its final and proper resting place. My ex is no longer a tool to be used against me in a campaign of hatred and I can breathe just one little smidgen easier. Between Tucker and my ex I have two solidly astute men who will stand by me through anything. Sometimes the most threatening clouds have the brightest silver linings.

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    Future

    I keep asking myself if this is really what I want.

    Do I want a life spent picking up a man’s dirty socks and getting swatted on the ass in the kitchen for no reason other than because he wants to? Do I want to learn, past the point of thinking about it, how to automatically defer to him, submit to him, put him in the forefront of my thoughts where now only my children reside? Do I want to do this with any man and most particularly do I want to do this with Tucker?

    When I am tired and grumpy and have a list of chores to be done and I choose to ignore them all and just go to bed I imagine ten years in the future. What if Tucker wants me to lay out his clothes and prepare his lunch before I drag my grumpy ass to bed? What if he wants to fuck when I finally do crawl into bed and I just want to sleep? What if he expects me to get up with him at that ungodly early hour he rises before the sun even thinks of getting up and I hate anything except full sunlit mornings? Do I really want to be in a position where I cannot justifiably say “Screw you, I’m tired” without getting some serious backlash?

    Right now it is exciting and erotic when Tucker makes me do something I would rather not do. When he makes me get out of a nice warm bed to get him a glass of water I get a little wet because he has that power and is wielding it over me. Right now when he fucks me even though I am feeling pissy and angry at him I come really, really hard because he is forcing to do what he wants to do, literally. But five years, hell fifteen years, in the future am I going to think it’s anywhere near this erotic to be tossed and dragged and poked and prodded? Will the “fun” of being in service melt away after a while, after the honeymoon ends and I get sick of being told what to do?

    I told Tucker the other day that I have been waiting eighteen years for the type of relationship I have now with him. Perhaps it is my naiveté that keeps me believing that what we have won’t grow old, that having wanted this for so long means that it will be a key component in my satisfaction for a very long time. Maybe I should just keep believing it and it will just keep being true simply from dint of will. We each create our own reality and if my choice is to create a reality where I am happy serving Tucker in everything from his dirty socks to sucking his cock even when I’m tired and grumpy then that just may be enough.

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    Bouncy

    “So when am I going to meet your ex?”

    “Whenever you want,” I said. I was not at my articulate best. Tucker had caught me off guard while I was driving and thinking about shoes. I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye.

    “I was thinking, since you want me to stay over with you and the girls in preparation for us all going to the coast together next month, that it would be a good idea for me to meet him. If I was him, I’d want to meet me,” Tucker explained.

    “That is a really good idea,” I replied. Tucker’s ability to see all angles of a situation and understand how everyone might be affected continues to surprise me. Not to mention his willingness to become a real and significant part of my life, and his commitment to doing precisely what is best for me and my children. “We can do it this weekend coming up, when he drops the girls off. I’d like to give him some advance notice, just so he isn’t surprised. I’m pretty sure his girlfriend stayed over at his house with the girls long before I ever met her.”

    “But that’s different,” Tucker said.

    “Yes. I agree. It is different. Especially with little girls,” I said quietly.

    Fast forward two hours. Tucker and I were browsing through Target when I spotted two girls playing with the big bouncy balls.

    “Do you see that?” I asked Tucker, reaching for his arm.

    “What? They’re big bouncy balls,” he said, paying more attention to where he was going than where I was pointing.

    “Those are my daughters with those big bouncy balls,” I insisted. At that moment I spotted my ex and Tucker realized who the girls were.

    “Hey!” My ex saw me and then quickly looked at Tucker. I started fumbling with an introduction.

    “Hi, I’m Tucker.” Tucker turned to my ex and stuck out his hand. My ex shook it and introduced himself. The girls turned, surprised to have run into us, and I gave them each a hug.

    This spontaneous meeting, just hours after Tucker brought up the topic and pointed out the very good reasons for it needing to happen, is just one more way in which I believe the universe is trying to tell me that Tucker needs to be in my life. If he and I and my girls and my ex were all put in the same place at the same time in the midst of this entire city on a cool Spring weekend afternoon then surely there is a reason to which I may not be privy but about which I will feel free to speculate.

    I do not believe that the four most important people in my life randomly ended up in the wide aisle of a department store based on nothing more than chance. I have said it, repeatedly as of late it seems, and I will say it again: Tucker is meant to be in my life and I am nothing less than completely thankful that he is.

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    Foursome

    One of the patients on “House” last night was named Tucker. I’m pretty sure it was a repeat but I’m thinking that the last time I saw it I wasn’t dating the man I call Tucker. Maybe it stuck in my head somehow and percolated up to the top when I was searching for a name.

    Tucker is the only man I’ve dated who spent time “doing something” with me and the girls. In celebration of my elder girl’s birthday the four of us (two grown-ups, two girls) went to a popular children’s museum here in town. We have all spent time together at my home prior to this but this marked our first expedition out into the real world as a group.

    Everyone, I am pleased to say, did wonderfully. The children were well-behaved, listened to both of us fairly often, and treated Tucker with respect and kindness. I was relatively relaxed, managed to keep up with being in the middle of my ultimate power dynamic (below Tucker, above the girls), and didn’t lose track of anyone at any point. Tucker was… well, Tucker was pretty amazing, actually.

    For a man who does not have children of his own and who does not spend any appreciable time around other people’s progeny, he seems a natural. Many of the qualities that make him so well-suited to being my Dominant also serve him very well when dealing with my children. He treats them with the same directness, compassion, and even-handedness with which he treats me. He is consistent, reasonable, funny, open, reliable, and they know that he can be trusted. He mirrors my attitude toward guidance, discipline, proper decorum and manners and is quick to back me up when either of the girls goes astray under his watch.

    There are very few men to whom I would entrust that most precious part of my heart, the part that walks around in the form of two young girls, but Tucker is among that tiny group. He told me, later that night when we were discussing the day, that my safety and that of my girls is more important to him than his own. He takes the responsibility and privilege of being a part of their lives very, very seriously and will do nothing to squander their trust in him. He is so diametrically opposed to the way Michael lived his life, in every fiber of his being and every move of his body, that I cannot help but throw random thanks outward to the world, universe, and god for putting him in my life.

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